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As Published in "Horse Fly"
All articles by Gail Raborn, CHT
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When to Leave Your Lover
by Gail Raborn, CHT
Many people stay within destructive or dead relationships far too long. They lower their standards,
compromise their dignity, and even abandon their friends for someone they probably shouldn't trust to feed
their cat. The outcome? Damaged self-esteem. Misery becomes a constant companion. They feel drained,
weakened by daily friction with their partner.
If you're in this dilemma, and everything you've tried to heal your relationship (including individual and
couple counseling) has failed, it's time to consider leaving. But before you take action, consider the
following points.
Ask yourself how many healthy characteristics your relationship has. In a healthy relationship, love is a
product of mutual trust, listening skills, humor, kindness, generosity of spirit, and the unique, endearing
qualities that define your beloved. Mutual respect, consideration, and true friendship are the glue that holds
it together. There is an intimacy that transcends sexual passion (but certainly enhances it) and fosters a
sense of safety and comfort in both people. Sexuality is a bond of joy and comfort, a sensual link honoring
the inner essence of both beings.
There's also a solid sense of commitment. Each tries to stimulate the other partner's gifts and talents.
Both are able to share thoughts and feelings without fear of censorship. When conflict arises, rather than
trying to hurt or punish, they try to find solutions that satisfy both.
If you find your relationship is seriously deficient by the standards posed above, look at what binds you
to your lover. Is it sexual passion? Intensity and drama? Self-sacrifice? Feelings of responsibility for your
partner? Afraid you'll never find anyone better? Fearful of being on your own? Afraid of your partner€s
violence or of being a single parent? So many reasons keep couples together, often the wrong ones. Know
your reasons and ask yourself if they warrant staying.
I stayed in a bad marriage far too long once, because I wanted to help my husband heal his violent
temper - and because I was running away from creating a life of my own. Co-dependence is the name of
this game: an addiction to fixing your lover in order to avoid fixing your own life.
Many couples stay together because they fear the pain they'll cause their kids or spouse if they leave.
So they condemn themselves to a life without love or joy. They live in a twilight world of suffering and low
energy, a limbo land where they're not fully alive, where the pain is eating them up. They don't realize
they're also condemning their kids and spouse to the same emptiness.
Other people harbor a secret belief that if they simply work hard enough at their relationship, everything
will come out okay. Openness and spontaneity are the keys to a happy relationship; hard labor and grim
determination are part of the puritanical programming that many of us have been taught is the path to
success, but that is not the formula for creating intimacy and love. A love relationship shouldn't have to be
constant hard work or drawn-out suffering. If you can't play or have fun together, maybe the friendship is
over. And without friendship, love and intimacy are doomed.
Ask yourself what the pain level is within your relationship. Is it causing health problems or difficulties
with your children? Are you having trouble functioning daily? Contrary to popular belief, pain does not
purify or strengthen, it simply wears you out. Sure, you can learn a lot from it. But getting stuck in pain
leads to disaster on all levels of being.
Other warning signals of a sick or dying relationship are when you keep your life secret from your
partner, not sharing what you're doing or thinking; when you feel you must walk on eggshells around each
other; when arguments are ugly and chronic; or when you're constantly, unsuccessfully trying to improve
things between you.
One way to make up your mind whether to stay or leave is to assess where your relationship has been
heading for the past months or years. Have there been ups and downs - or mostly downs? What about the
relationship gives you hope there may be better days ahead for the two of you?
If you decide to leave, be sure you have a plan. You can leave with an explosion, with an affair, or with
grace and kindness. Your choice will shape your future in ways you cannot imagine. Talk with your partner
about how to break up with the least pain for all concerned. Take responsibility for how you leave, for the
way you open the door into a new life will largely determine how gracefully and joyously you are able to
move into it, and how quickly you - and all involved - will heal.
Gail Raborn CHT. is a Transformational Hypnotherapist, Clinical Hypnotherapist, and Interactive Imagery Practitioner with a private practice in Taos, NM. She works in her office and by telephone.
For a free introduction, call (707) 937-2271 learn more...
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